the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
describing stardew valley
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Ugh
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Best spot.. 😅
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.