The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You Might Also Like
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.