The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
This kinda thing happens to me often
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Please vote for people who are attractive
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.