The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Extremely relatable.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?