I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Not today, today.
Not today.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots