The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
You Might Also Like
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand