The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.