The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too