Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher