The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?