The best backflip ever!馃挄馃馃
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Son: I want a quincea帽era.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Breakfast in bed.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I鈥檇 like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“Don鈥檛 hate me 鈥榗ause you ain鈥檛 me.”
“No, I hate you 鈥榗ause you say stuff like that.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That鈥檚 incredible! It鈥檚 too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur