The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Fries, cheese curds and gravy on a crushed cracker crust.
Poutine on the Ritz.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.