The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs