The best backflip ever!馃挄馃馃
You Might Also Like
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Dear burglar, I鈥檓 really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn鈥檛 expecting company
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
It鈥檚 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Just got to our Airbnb!
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you鈥檙e the youngest
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.