The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.