The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands