Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.