Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

I know

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.