Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Remember folks 😂

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Bit chilly again tonight.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean