Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Namaste

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.