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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Fight
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.