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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Nothing to do, you say?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
water it, i dare you
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I know