Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

How many? 🤔

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.