The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
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*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
From Facebook just now…
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santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses