“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*