“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free