“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”