The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
men, we mow at sunrise.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.