The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.