The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
hey, alexa
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.