Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*