The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.