The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
this makes me so uncomfortable
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.