The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
You are what you delete.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Spider-cat: No One Home
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about