Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because
1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown
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Me: *dying on table*
Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.
me: how much to see the great white sharks?
vendor: tickets are $25 each
me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says
“please take one”
That way it looks like I actually had candy once