It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”
the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because
1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown
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“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
– We’re not having sex.
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Fox News: Trump looks strong!
CNN: Hillary should get the win!
MSNBC: If you put a buncha hot dogs in a hamburger bun, is that a sandwich???
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
how to be a yogi
1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.