@vinnycrack

the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown

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@maryfairybobrry

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

@sonictyrant

[Emergency Room]

Me: *dying on table*

Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@cray_at_home_ma

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@SergioValenCo

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

@Skoog

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

@thedad

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

@ThePriscilla

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once