@vinnycrack

the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown

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@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@UncleDuke1969

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@robfee

Fox News: Trump looks strong!
CNN: Hillary should get the win!
MSNBC: If you put a buncha hot dogs in a hamburger bun, is that a sandwich???

@drankturpentine

how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets

@nbadag

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

@TheCatWhisprer

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

@TheBoydP

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

@_roryturnbull

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.