@vinnycrack

the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown

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@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@EJGomez

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

@thexythara

If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.

@ScorpionDong

I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering

@simoncholland

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

@alovablenerd

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

@danielvisme

Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.