the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown

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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”


*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*


God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald


If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.


I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering


No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.


Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.


Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.