The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.