Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

where the womens at?

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”