Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Squirrels before girls.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.