Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick