The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice