Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.