“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
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Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
good work, everybody
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
This came to me in a dream.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Trying
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.