The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.