The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.