The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined