The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Erm…
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
🤣
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Oh yeah that’s it
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.