The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
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my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.