The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
You Might Also Like
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Can Happiness buy money?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”