The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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Bros before Ohioes
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
The happy life.. 😊
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
The most precious boy
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm