The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.