Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.