The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
You Might Also Like
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..