Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

yes yes a thousand times yes!

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.