The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.