Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.