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“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no