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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m awake but I object,
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”