the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
There’s always that one guy
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I know this now 😂
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”