Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
And now we wait
aye brο whο tf created math and how we know he right????
Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*sliced bread was invented in 1928*
*sandwiches before 1928*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses