@better_off_dad

The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

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@iAmDelFreaky

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

@trumpetcake

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

@SouthernMama74

8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes

@rishipuff

i feel so bad when i overtake an old person on the sidewalk like man i really didn’t mean to flex on you with my youthful stride

@malt_skull

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@TheMichaelRock

You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!

@Love_bug1016

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

@SteveDutzy

Zelda: Why aren’t you mowing the lawn?

Link: It’s raining

Z: No it’s not

L: *Plays Song of Storms*

Z: You’re sleeping with Epona tonight

@TheCatWhisprer

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”