Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.