I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.