@better_off_dad

The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

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@TheBoydP

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

@stewteee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

@MattOswaltVA

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@FilthyRichmond

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

@AnExocticBeach

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

@IRLPepperMD

[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@TankCesar

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.