The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

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<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.


Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.


8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes


i feel so bad when i overtake an old person on the sidewalk like man i really didn’t mean to flex on you with my youthful stride


[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm


I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.


You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!


Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly


Zelda: Why aren’t you mowing the lawn?

Link: It’s raining

Z: No it’s not

L: *Plays Song of Storms*

Z: You’re sleeping with Epona tonight


Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”