DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.