The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You Might Also Like
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Last-minute gift idea!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Wolves should really raise more people.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.