The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.