The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.