Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.