Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

i love dating profiles that are like..

Tooth 32
4 Miles Away

About me:
my name isn’t tooth, i don’t know how to change it

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first