the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Check out the legs on this baby
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray