Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.