the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
#JohnTravolta
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.