the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
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I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
This hospital has everything
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.