Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Reminder:

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

I saw this ending much differently.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?