The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.