The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.