The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.