The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
WTF
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps