The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.