Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.