Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

🤣

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

inside you are two wolves

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Previously On Persistence 😎

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”